Communication style: how we present ourselves to others

Content

Communication style definition: You cannot NOT communicate
Verbal communication
Paraverbal communication
Nonverbal communication
The communication styles according to Schulz von Thun
The needy-dependent style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The helping style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The selfless style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The aggressive-devaluing style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The proven style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The determining-controlling style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The distancing style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
The communicative, dramatic style
characteristic
root cause
Strengths and weaknesses
Handling
Trends by gender in communication style
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The Communication styleThe one we choose when talking to others is instructive in many ways. It says something about our self-perception, about the role that we ascribe to ourselves or that we would like to assume. We present ourselves in a certain way when dealing with other people and thus leave an impression of our personality. A person is shaped in his behavior especially in his childhood. This affects the style of communication. Communication is not always in the way that would be appropriate for the situation and the person opposite. Becoming aware of the styles and how we affect others in our way can be a first step ...

Communication style definition: You cannot NOT communicate

When you talk about communication style, you mean the way in which information and arguments are exchanged. As Paul Watzlawick noted, you can't Not communicate, that is:

Even if we say nothing, Our counterpart picks up certain signals through our behavior, such as body posture, but also clothing. It is not for nothing that the vernacular says: No answer is also an answer.

So there are different communication channelsthat contribute to whether and how something is perceived by the other person:

Verbal communication
At seven percent, it makes up a surprisingly small proportion of what we convey. What is meant is the content.
Paraverbal communication
This includes the tone of voice, intonation and articulation. They make up 38 percent of what the interlocutor receives.
Nonverbal communication
The majority of what our counterpart takes in, namely 55 percent, comes from our appearance, movement, gestures and facial expressions.

Communication styles can be viewed from many perspectives, because culture also plays a role. The Germans and the German language, for example, are often perceived by other nations as very direct, downright impolite. This has to do with the fact that in this country facts are clear and straight be named.

Elsewhere is a rather indirect communication style Usually, the content is conveyed in a more descriptive manner. However, this also means that there is a lot of room for interpretation, as things can sometimes reach the interlocutor ambiguously.

The communication styles according to Schulz von Thun

Go to the Hamburg psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun eight communication styles in which he describes certain behaviors. In the second volume of his “Talking to each other” series, he is concerned with the fact that conversation partners are viewed in a differentiated manner.

In his opinion, all people use these communication styles. Which dominates depends on which personality traits particularly pronounced are. He sees the causes for the respective communication behavior in the experiences of childhood.

Each of these styles has certain Strengths and weaknessesso that not one can be described as the ideal. Which communication style is used depends not only on the personality of the person but also on the respective situation and a possible history of the two interlocutors.

Schulz von Thun describes the following communication styles:

The needy-dependent style

characteristic
The communication style of the needy person is characterized by helplessness and chronic excessive demands. Instead of demonstrating zest for action, he is passive and hopes that others will help him. If he doesn't succeed by waving the fence post, he tries whining and seeming compliments such as "You always succeed in everything much better ...". Because the needy person presents himself as weak, others can perceive themselves as strong and competent.
root cause
It is possible that the needy person was constantly set limits in childhood, which led to overprotection and ultimately learned helplessness. As a result, the self-confidence of the needy is very low. It is also conceivable that the needy-dependent has hardly received any attention and now as an adult gets this in the form of help.
Strengths and weaknesses
If he is shown the solution, he works reliably. And he can accept help, something can be said while others are doggedly looking for the solution themselves. The disadvantage, however, is that he does not trust himself to be anything. Above all, that makes decisions more difficult for him.
Handling
Those who practice the need-dependent communication style will surround themselves with people who cultivate the helping or distancing style. Seen in this way, two styles seem to complement each other. However, this behavior has little to do with a responsible person, so with needy addicts it is about achieving more self-confidence. Instead of immediately asking for help, you could first actively look for solutions yourself. With an increasing sense of achievement in independent solutions, self-confidence also increases.

The helping style

characteristic
In contrast to the above example, the helper acts like someone who knows the right advice and way in all situations. He therefore exudes competence, sovereignty and helpfulness. At the same time, he seems independent, as he never seems to be helpless himself.
root cause
The helper may have often left to himself in his childhood and has made the experience that he has to do everything on his own. People with helper syndrome get love and appreciation from those who repeatedly demonstrate their helplessness. By immediately addressing the needs of others, the helper can confidently ignore his own problems.
Strengths and weaknesses
It is not uncommon to find helpers in social professions, as nurses, doctors or street workers. They are patient listeners and are there when the going gets tough. However, this often means that they cannot say no. This can lead to excessive demands and psychosomatic illnesses.
Handling
Helpers often surround themselves with needy people. Due to the personality components of those who practice these communication styles, both get into a cycle: The helper looks for help seekers, which is why they have no reason to change anything in their behavior and vice versa. He should learn to differentiate himself in order to prevent stress-related illnesses. This is only possible if he realizes that he, too, is sometimes in need of help.

The selfless style

characteristic
Those who use the selfless communication style show agreement with the helping communication style in some points. Working for others seems to be his destiny. In contrast to the helper, however, he does this very submissively and always weakens his share of achievements. His entire behavior signals that he feels worthless and meaningless. For fear of rejection and separation, he still burdens himself with the work of others.
root cause
The selfless was little valued in his childhood; he was told that he was not important. This leads to the fact that he is constantly trying to please others and just avoid any conflict, so that he at least gets recognition for it.
Strengths and weaknesses
Like the helper, the selfless is characterized by a great willingness to help; in addition, he is free from starry airs. At the same time, he also has difficulties to differentiate himself and to pay attention to his own wishes and needs.
Handling
Selfless like to help those dependent on need, but also find themselves with people who have the aggressive-devaluing style of communication: Because they confirm what the selfless already thinks of himself by their nature. It is therefore important for the selfless that they produce their own personality and articulate their will. This requires clear, binding language and the will to say no from time to time. By asserting yourself, you can gain the appreciation of others.

The aggressive-devaluing style

characteristic
The aggressive-devaluing style of communication is quite widespread. Those who communicate in this way want to improve themselves by making their interlocutor small. He devalues him or makes him appear guilty by picking on his flaws and weaknesses. His guiding principle is determined by the fact that he first “strikes” before someone else can do it to him.
root cause
Psychologists suspect that those who are aggressively devalued had to endure experiences of violence and / or humiliation in their childhood. To avoid the resulting feeling of weakness at all costs, others are humiliated in order to appear superior to themselves.
Strengths and weaknesses
He bites his way through with his behavior, he can express criticism openly. However, insults are often preprogrammed with other interlocutors, which makes it difficult to get along with one another.
Handling
If the aggressively devaluing person is dealing with higher-ranking people, it may well be that he adopts the selfless communication style here. To compensate for his feeling of inferiority, he chooses weaker people. His behavior can therefore best be described with the metaphor of the cyclist: "Buckle up, step down". Mostly he looks for people who have the selfless communication style or who actually appear aggressive and devaluing. It would be important for devaluators to develop self-criticism and tact towards others. Because you don't get real respect by devaluing others.

The proven style

characteristic
A certain inferiority complex underlies the communication style that is proving itself. However, the proving person does not try to compensate for this by humiliating his interlocutor; rather, he is characterized by a profile neurosis. He constantly has to prove his worth to others by telling everyone how great he is and unnecessarily inflating his earnings on projects. The fear of being considered a failure drives him to perfectionism - with which he often causes himself stress and goes beyond his limits.
root cause
The feeling of not being loved for oneself made the demonstrator develop a great ambition. After all, he gains recognition and love through his ability.
Strengths and weaknesses
The proofer is aware of his competencies. He always brings total commitment to work and is characterized by reliability and active tackling. However, showing off doesn't exactly show him as an amiable colleague. His great commitment also leads to competition and rivalry among colleagues.
Handling
When people meet who use the proven communication style, it becomes exhausting. Everyone tries to outdo the other, which on the one hand means that your own weaknesses have to be hidden. On the other hand, the ambition is mercilessly incited, just to be able to prove one's own performance to everyone. Life could be much more relaxed for these people if they could admit mistakes. Whoever is not always perfect, but also shows quirks and edges, wins the affection of others.

The determining-controlling style

characteristic
The dominant-controlling style of communication is based on the view that the determining-controlling person alone has absolute wisdom about how things should be done. Similar to the aggressive-devaluing style of communication, other people are devalued in their actions. However, it happens here out of the desire to change it for the better: “It has to be done like this.” The measure of all things is he, who is picky about ensuring that the rules he has drawn up are observed. Behind this style of communication lies the fear of losing control, so the determinant-controller clings to traditional approaches and is not very open to new experiences.
root cause
These people were probably shaped by a childhood that consisted of strict rules and discipline. The parents suppressed impulses such as curiosity, the desire to discover and spontaneity. A drive of its own develops from this later: In order to avoid punishment, the determining-controlling person massively controls his own wishes. There is something compulsive about this self-discipline and self-control.
Strengths and weaknesses
If you want something to be done well, you have to do it yourself - this view is condescending, but leads to the determining-controlling person performing work almost perfectly. In his demeanor, he offers others reliable guidance. Since everything has to follow clear rules, there is little scope for imagination and new things. The decisive-controlling person is therefore very inflexible and not only prevents chaos (his main concern), but also creativity and innovations.
Handling
Determinants get along well with needy and selfless people. They are grateful for his clear statements and feel secure when they proceed accordingly. It becomes difficult with people who have their own mind and ideas of how something should be done. It makes sense for the person who controls the determinants to develop more courage for new things and to interrupt the compulsion to control. This can be achieved by receiving a reflection from others that other approaches are also effective.

The distancing style

characteristic
People who use the distant communication style try to create a distance between themselves and others - both verbally and spatially. The distancing person avoids being too close to other people and often takes refuge in factual, rational formulations. This distance is shown spatially through “barriers” such as desks. The distancing style of communication enables the speaker to keep his inner workings secret from others. His unemotional manner appears arrogant and stiff to others.
root cause
In childhood, those who distance themselves have found their dependency on their parents hurtful and unsettling. His basic trust was shaken by negative experiences, so that he tries to protect himself from being too close and dependent in the future.
Strengths and weaknesses
With his factual, rational manner, the distancing one proceeds analytically and purposefully. He doesn't allow his emotional life to thwart his plans, but keeps a cool head. Since he is so emotionally independent, he can say no without feeling guilty. However, the distanced one can hardly let himself go and his apparent lack of emotion hinders him even in situations in which empathy would be required.
Handling
What can be advantageous in a professional context in certain situations - for example in the relationship between authority / customer or superior / employee - is difficult in the private sector at the latest. The distancing style of communication can be broken up by the speaker dropping his mask and revealing something personal about himself. This makes it easier for others to approach him and in turn protects the distanced person from loneliness.

The communicative, dramatic style

characteristic
The communicative forms the counterpart to the distanced. He needs the stage, so he likes to surround himself with people so that everyone can participate in his life. This is a self-staging, because every detail, no matter how unimportant, is discussed, but the listener learns very little about the inner workings. Someone with a communicative, dramatic style likes to hear themselves talking, so that they only use others as cues and quickly cut them off. In doing so, people like to fluff their own experiences.
root cause
As a child, this self-promoter was ignored. Anything that wasn't great or outstanding in any way didn't attract any attention. Conversely, he now behaves loudly in order to be noticed by others.
Strengths and weaknesses
The communicative and dramatic is often experienced by its surroundings as captivating, imaginative and creative. Unfortunately, the communicative-dramatic style is more of a one-way street, as conversations tend to be a monologue. If someone wants to discuss serious things, he does not listen, because in his egocentricity he only has his own concerns in mind. Other people often only serve him for self-affirmation and are therefore interchangeable.
Handling
Anyone who gets to know someone who speaks in a communicative, dramatic communication style is initially quite impressed. This person doesn't seem boring and knows how to tell imaginative and exciting stories. On the other hand, this recognition only leads to the fact that those willing to communicate even more. The moment the interlocutor realizes that they are interchangeable, of course, the interest ebbs. For those who are willing to communicate, it is therefore advisable to practice active listening and to signal serious interest to the other person by letting them have their say. This is how credibility and trust can develop.

Trends by gender in communication style

It is well known that men and women communicate differently - mansplaining and mantle rupting are just some Buzzwords for a phenomenonthat sociologists have long known.

Most of the communication styles shown above can also be assigned to one gender.

Typically female is therefore ...

the need-dependent communication style
the selfless style of communication
the communicative-dramatizing style of communication

Typically male, however, is ...

the aggressive-devaluing style of communication
the proven communication style
the distant style of communication

Equally occurring in both sexes are ...

the helping style of communication
the determining-controlling style of communication

Anyone who has read the different communication styles will probably have recognized themselves at one point or another. As stated above, no one uses just one, but often Different communication styles depending on the situation.

Knowing this makes communication easier in everyday life, as you can create conversational situations better assess and be able to react more appropriately to your counterpart. However, it is important not only to question your own communication behavior, but also to show understanding for others.

If you want to avoid disruptions in communication, you should try to actively listening and express yourself clearly.